I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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