I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
