In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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