I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
