im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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