I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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