the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
