My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
17 year olds will be the death of me.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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