??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
