i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My dick has a subreddit
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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