I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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