my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
