I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We have started to decorate penises.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
