The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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