i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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