I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
