Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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