Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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