Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
