i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
