It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
