I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
