Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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