It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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