its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My bed smells like the plague
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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