I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
