does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
