Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
