I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
