the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
