booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
