I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
