people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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