its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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