I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
