wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
