He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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