come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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