Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
