I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
