when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
