did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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