We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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