I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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