I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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