you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
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she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
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Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".