I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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