I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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