Moan for me like Helen Keller
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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