we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
