btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
