Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
