Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
