Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
