If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
