i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
