you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
